Tears

I don't know why, but sometimes I have glimmers of emotion and I have no idea if it is something that I am feeling right now or I didn't deal with an hour ago, a day ago, week, month, year, YEARS maybe??? So what the Hell does it all mean then and what the Hell are these feelings that tear me apart? I feel lonely one moment and tears build up only to feel anger. Am I abnormal for talking about my past or things that happened? Are they no longer relevant now that they are over with? Why does my ex telling me that he doesn't talk about me to anyone bother me so much? Maybe I feel unimportant. I would rather have him trash talk about me than not talking about me at all. Is that normal? Why do I feel so much undirected hate and anger? Maybe the fall of Hephaestus from the Heavens was the same event that Christians call the fall of Lucifer. Maybe the world will end in 2012. Maybe I will find direction in my life and I will no longer feel hopeless and useless. Maybe my heart and mind will get back on track. Maybe science will prove the existence of the human soul. Maybe ducks go to Heaven too. Maybe there is a Heaven. WTF does it really matter anyway? I don't feel human anymore. I used to LOVE life, and learning, and all those anti-drug, bullshit sentiments. Now I am too apathetic to even be bitter. In a perfect world I would be something, be someone, with a talent and gorgeous lover living somewhere beautiful and sunny like San Diego without the earthquakes and an oceanside view from my penthouse. Hell, in a perfect world my lover would probably be someone like Adam Lambert, Lance Bass, Jay Brannan, or...ok that's all I got right now, um...how about whichever of the hot gay guys appear on "So You Think You Can Dance"? Nothing is sexier than artistic talent. Crap, totally got distracted from my emotional banter by my Adam Lambert CD. Seriously, I listen to him and everything is better in the world. Piss, well, I was rather upset and I am sure that as soon as I step away from the A.L. I'll be back to being a Debbie Downer.