formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/ElvenAlchemist

What progress has been made with the anti bullying? Not seen anything recent on the Internet might just be my bad researching.

Not enough, but we're still trying. More to come after the New Year I hope. Follow posts from people like me, Tammy Aaberg, GLSEN, HRC, Trevor Project, etc.

Ask me anything

What's your favorite video game?

Huge RPGer here. Sword of Vermilion is always a fav, but I was a hardcore WoW player for some time too.

Ask me anything

If you could create your own fragrance, what would you call it?

Skid
~You'll stop traffic.

Ask me anything

Whats your fantasy?

I win the lottery and get a puppy...LOL

Ask me anything

Favorite cookieeeeee[s]??!! :D

These Andes mint chip ones my Gemma makes, I want her to try making them with white choc chips too next time.

Ask me anything

What's your favorite pun? (Btw go ahead and say you hate puns but you still have to answer)

Do Freudian slips count? I love those!

Ask me anything

MOTHER OF BULLIED SUICIDE VICTIM MAKES A PLEA TO AMERICA

Please watch Larry King Live tonight (10-04-10) for an eye-opening piece on bullying in America!



MOTHER OF BULLIED SUICIDE VICTIM MAKES A PLEA TO AMERICA


Dear America:

My name is Tammy Aaberg. I am the mother to Justin Aaberg, a 15-year-old student who took his own life this past July. I found out after he died that he was bullied due to his sexual orientation. I’m also hearing from youth all over the district and throughout the country of many others that are undergoing the same types of harassment. Also, as many of you know, too many have taken their own lives due to feelings of self hate brought on by this intolerable abuse, just as Justin must have suffered before making that final decision.

I want to let you all know that there is hope. There are people out there who understand and accept you and are willing to listen. If you are bullied for any reason, whether it be for race, religion, sexual orientation, or anything else, please, please tell someone. In Justin’s case, he kept most everything to himself. You cannot do this. You need to talk to someone and get your feelings out, let them be heard by someone who supports you. Do not suffer in silence.

If you are an LGBTQ youth in crisis, there is help. Please contact the Trevor Project at 866-488-7386. Anyone in crisis who has feelings of suicide the Suicide Awareness Voices of Education is available at 1-800-273-8255.

With hope and love,
Tammy Aaberg

Andrew Aaberg (Justin Aaberg's Brother) Talks About Bullying

Bullying Related Suicides and My Work With It

CBS Evening News Clip On Bullying

Justin Aaberg and Bullying Links

I think that these are all the links to things related to Justin and Bullying in the media:

Seth:
http://www.wegiveadamn.org/2010/09/another-tragedy-13-year-old-commits-suicide-because-of-anti-gay-bullying/
http://www.kget.com/news/local/story/UPDATE-Police-say-no-charges-in-death-of-bullied/fMemM4pc3Uiy_h8gvyac3w.cspx

Tyler:
http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2010/09/hold_new_rutgers_post.html

This is a blog, but it does talk about some of the opposition we encounter:
http://lloydletta.blogspot.com/2010/08/shadow-group-forms-in-anoka-hennepin.html

Press conference coverage 09-27-10:
http://www.startribune.com/local/103902163.html
http://www.twincities.com/news/ci_16190861?source=rss

The Colu.mn has been good to us:
http://thecolu.mn/4569/new-glsen-report-shows-anoka-hennepin-avoiding-most-effective-anti-bullying-policies
http://thecolu.mn/4631/anoka-hennepin-recieved-7000-angry-emails-over-bullying-case
http://thecolu.mn/4690/national-eyes-focus-on-anoka-hennepin-controversy

Asher:
http://www.wegiveadamn.org/2010/09/houston-chronicle-parents-say-bullies-drove-their-son-to-take-his-life/
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/7220896.html

More articles are being brought to our attention all the time:
http://gayrights.change.org/blog/view/why_is_the_anoka-hennepin_school_board_doing_nothing_about_lgbt_suicide


A moving comment on from the Huffington Post about all of this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/DCmykl/lgbt-students-harassed-at_n_717992_60907185.html

Tammy speaking with MPR:
http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2010/09/23/anoka-hennepin-suicides/
A few things bother me about this. They talk about copycats but I disagree with it. The more taboo a topic is the more mystery it garners. Tell a kid an alcohol is bad, they'll drink, but tell them the facts and you have a better chance of them abstaining. Copycats are cop-outs, they already have thought of it, they just want to shrug off their responsibilities. It doesn't matter if it is drugs, suicide, or school shootings. If copycats were a big deal, the every time someone does something good and gets attention, we would have copycat volunteers. Don't look for excuses not to talk about this.

Tammy Aaberg speaking at the board meeting (The August 23rd video @15 minute mark or so I believe):
http://anoka-k12.granicus.com/viewpublisher.php?view_id=2

About Justin:
http://minnesotaindependent.com/64047/anti-gay-group-organizes-in-anoka-schools-as-community-deals-with-gay-suicides?utm_campaign=twitter&utm_medium=twitter&utm_source=twitter

About Justin:
http://theshowsogay.podbean.com/ (54th Episode)

About Justin:
http://www.wegiveadamn.org/2010/09/group-organizes-to-ban-mention-of-homosexuality-in-schools-as-community-deals-with-gay-teen-suicides/

About Justin:
http://thecolu.mn/4484/mother-anoka-hennepin-school-policy-contributed-to-gay-sons-suicide

About Justin:
http://thecolu.mn/4512/anoka-hennepin-beefing-up-anti-bullying-but-is-lgbt-left-out

About Bullying:
http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2010/09/guest-post-back-to-school-how-to-make-progress-in-your-local-school-system-%e2%80%93-part-1-of-4/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HrcBackStory+%28HRC+Back+Story%29&utm_content=Twitter

About Justin:
http://blog.tonyj.net/2010/09/back-to-school-amidst-homophobia-and-bullying/#more-2256

About Justin:
http://www.edgeboston.com/index.php?ch=news&sc=&sc3=&id=110295

About Justin:
http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/dpp/buzz/Family-Calls-For-Change-After-Gay-Teen-Suicide






About Justin:
http://wcco.com/health/glbt.teen.suicide.2.1910636.html (Don't agree with the added emphasis on the boyfriend issue, it was kind of taken out of context, but helps get the word out)

About Billy Lucas:
http://www.fox59.com/news/wxin-greensburg-student-suicide-091310,0,1101685.story (IN)

About AH-11:
The problem with this is, by removing LGBT people from history you tell the kids (that are LGBTQ), kids that you are suppose to be nurturing for the future, that they don’t exist.
http://www.anoka.k12.mn.us/education/components/whatsnew/default.php?sectiondetailid=233410&itemID=32271
Also, your policy obviously has problems when a few years later, your TEACHERS bully a student.
http://www.humanrights.state.mn.us/settlements/case51679.html
What do you think of their sexual orientation policy? If they were truly neutral than they would also remove heterosexuals, right?
http://www.anoka.k12.mn.us/education/page/download.php?fileinfo=NjA0LjExX1NleHVhbF9PcmllbnRhdGlvbl9DdXJyaWN1bHVtX1BvbGljeS5wZGY6Ojovd3d3Ni9zY2hvb2xzL21uL2Fub2thL2ltYWdlcy9kb2NtZ3IvMTUwNDlfZmlsZV80ODU4NV9tb2RfMTI2MDk5MTE5MC5wZGY=


Legislation to support:
http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c111:S.3390:
http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c111:H.R.2262:

I think that this is about it. If you have anymore links to add plz let me know. I am trying to get as much of this together in one post so that it is easier for people to learn and reference.

Al Franken and DADT

Fox 9 From 09-20-10 AND 09-21-10

The full written piece also talks about things in a little more detail and the account set up at TCF Bank called RIP Justin Norman Aaberg c/o Charlene Lundeen to help out the family.

It doesn't mention however that Chad Griffin is matching up to $1000 raised out of his own pocket.

Please watch and read this! This is so important and Fox did an AMAZING job. Thank you to both Leah and Jason.

So again, please watch. Pass the links on too. Spread the word. People need to be aware, need to care, and need to share this. We must save other kids from this fate. Bullying is an assault with a deadly weapon!

-Jay Kovach

Fox 9 From 09-20-10

Reaching Out and Who To Blame

Due to a recent issue involving a young man in crisis, I have to put a call out for resources. Can anybody find me contact information to Spanish Speaking, Mexican (as in, IN Mexico), or International groups for BOTH Gay Rights/Support and Suicide Prevention/Awareness/Crisis? Thank you.

Also, with the issues with AH District 11 that we are up against, I want to remind everyone that we love that you are expressing your passion for the injustices that have occurred. However, we would like to remind you that when sending your concerns to employees of the district, remember, teachers and principals do not make the decisions so much as the superintendent and school board. We bring this to light as some hateful mail has found its way into the inboxes of supportive teachers and principals. Once again though, thank you for your support.

Justin Aaberg

This is this first time that I am getting the chance to make a real post in what seems like forever. This post though will go well beyond my usual personal, self-involved universe. I am going to be really, really serious and talk about something that makes me feel torn and twisted and you should too.

Things have happened so quickly that I have no real way of describing to you an accurate time line. Either way, I happened upon an article from The Minnesota Independent. As much as I can find a silver lining in some of the worst tragedies, this time I couldn't for the life of me. See, if you haven't clicked the link yet what you don't know is that this incredibly beautiful boy, only 15 years old, killed himself this last July. When you see how radiant his smile is and how bright his eyes are in the pictures, you will know that only an immense pain and burden carried on his young shoulders could bring him down. A pain that many of us in the LGBTQ community know all too well, a pain that many school systems and social structures leave us to suffer through alone when we are at our most vulnerable. Why? Ignorance, I really don't know for sure, I don't know how to make sense of it myself. Anyway, Justin was a high school student at Anoka High School, a school that says they protect the students, but I have to wonder if their removing LGBT people from history to stay "neutral" was the best idea. To me, erasing a class of people tells LGBTQ kids that they don't matter, tells other kids that it is ok to harass and torture those LGBTQ kids. Now for you who do not know what that means, LGBTQ is Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Questioning. Also, they claim to have a "neutral" sexual orientation policy but if that were truly the case they wouldn't talk about heterosexuals either. I wonder what they talk about in sex ed or what the Mrs. at the beginning of a teacher's name means? Are they so lost in their own heterosexual view point that they don't realize that we are surrounded by signs of opposite sex sexuality? I just don't get it. You can't teach a kid to be gay, I mean my parents are straight, Justin parents are straight, come to think of it, not a single one of my LGBTQ friends have parents that aren't.

This narrow viewpoint is ultimately what killed Justin, not his own hand. It almost killed me at 16. I could name many others that were almost killed by the anti-LGBTQ bullying and the marginalization they experienced. The point is, my throat tightens now even as I try to type this, but in my soul I know Justin would be here today if kids were protected. Not that people aren't trying. legislation has been introduced, but it doesn't get the attention that it deserves.

Well, after I read the initial article I contacted Tammy Aaberg to give my support and offer any aid she may need of me. See, to me, when a member of the LGBTQ community falls, I have lost a brother or sister. I mean, as a Christian I think that we should be that way towards each other all the time, maybe I am crazy for being so open and compassionate. So Tammy calls me after we exchanged many emails, WCCO was coming and she wasn't sure of what would happen so of course I agreed to come and be her support. I want to take a second and tell you that if you haven't seen the report, you should, however we don't like the odd emphasis they put on the end of a relationship that Justin had for a very short time. I was there while they were asking her questions and I feel as if it was taken out of context somehow. All in all though, the more people that find out about Justin being the 3rd confirmed LGBTQ or perceived LGBTQ student to commit suicide in a year at Anoka Hennepin District 11 the better. That's one district people. In fact, I follow GLSEN, the NOH8 campaign, the HRC, the We Give A Damn Campaign, the Trevor Project and many others on twitter and just the day before yesterday I was bombed by tweets from so many of them about a young boy in IN named Billy Lucas. He was also bullied and he also hung himself. So all those who don't think these kids should be protected, who vote against legislation like Senator Franken et. al.'s Student Nondiscrimination Act of 2010, who kick their child out of their home for being gay, and who I forget to mention but oppose anything even slightly LGBTQ related I ask: Are you happy now?

So now, I have become rather close to the Aabergs, in fact I am Tammy's assistant. She might be the most vocal and the one most people know, but I want to say something about this family, this family that has come under attack in comments and blogs. You say Justin is gone because they didn't love him enough to "make him straight." If you think that it is Justin's fault YOUR kid bullied him because of your narrow-minded upbringing, you are so ignorant. I have been staying with them during this time and I will tell you that there are very few people who I have known to be as accepting and loving as this one. Shawn, Tammy's husband, is a soft spoken and kind man who has promised to teach me how to play cards. Her oldest, Andrew, and I have found so much in common and he has never once acted like my sexuality being different than his mattered. At 18, if I had a friend like that, maybe I wouldn't have made some of the horrible choices I had. Their youngest son, whose name I choose to not share, is bright and funny and sensitive. Tammy and I of course became fast friends. This family is all about love AND acceptance. These are real people that you are judging. Justin was so lucky to have them, but because of those who treated him like dirt, like the boys who physically assaulted him in school and grabbed his crotch saying something like, "You like this, don't you?", because nobody followed through on punishments or told his family this was happening, because he went to school in a world that acted like he shouldn't exist, no love, not even theirs was enough. Everywhere he turned outside of his home turned its back on him and Lord knows he couldn't hide in his parent's basement for his entire life. Now, some people may be saying to themselves that there is no way I could know what he was thinking. You're right. I have a really good guess at it though because I've been there. I bet a good portion of you identify with that too.

Write to your politicians, call them about the Student Nondiscrimination Act of 2010 and try to stop this from happening again, please! Meanwhile, we will keep up our fight to stop bullying and eventually put LGBT people back in history.

For more links about Justin go to my blog entry titled "My Rolling Facebook Statuses, Please Use!" or Google Justin Aaberg.

Inspire

You’re my muse, my angel.
Your beauty, your truth, your drive,
You inspire me and I SEE you.
I do not need you, I do not rely on you,
I will not cry upon your shoulder when I am weak,
But I will find strength in your courage.
You are not responsible for me,
I CHOOSE to bask in your intensity.

My Rolling Facebook Statuses, Please Use!

These are some of my rolling statuses for Facebook and other venues that I deem appropriate. Reposting these on your status is a simple, quick, and easy way to show your support in the fight against bullying. Thank you!

Although we don’t agree with the extra emphasis they have put on the ending of a short lived relationship that Justin had with a ‘boyfriend’ the message of what happened and is happening is relevant. Please check it out: http://wcco.com/education/glbt.teen.suicide.2.1910636.html

Articles about what has been happening in Anoka to LGBTQ teens:
http://minnesotaindependent.com/64047/anti-gay-group-organizes-in-anoka-schools-as-community-deals-with-gay-suicides?utm_campaign=twitter&utm_medium=twitter&utm_source=twitter
http://thecolu.mn/4484/mother-anoka-hennepin-school-policy-contributed-to-gay-sons-suicide

More articles we’d like you to see from other outlets both Minnesota and National forums:
http://www.wegiveadamn.org/2010/09/group-organizes-to-ban-mention-of-homosexuality-in-schools-as-community-deals-with-gay-teen-suicides/
http://thecolu.mn/4512/anoka-hennepin-beefing-up-anti-bullying-but-is-lgbt-left-out

Please check out the 54th Podcast of TheShowSoGay.com for an interview with Chris Wogamman and Tammy and Shawn Aaberg:
http://theshowsogay.podbean.com/

Remember Justin with us:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHfFAl5Jhxc
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/startribune/obituary.aspx?n=justin-norman-aaberg&pid=144048062&fhid=9267

It’s not just in MN, IN has suffered a great loss due to bullying:
http://www.fox59.com/news/wxin-greensburg-student-suicide-091310,0,1101685.story

The problem with this is, by removing LGBT people from history you tell the kids (that are LGBTQ), kids that you are suppose to be nurturing for the future, that they don’t exist.
http://www.anoka.k12.mn.us/education/components/whatsnew/default.php?sectiondetailid=233410&itemID=32271
What do you think of their sexual orientation policy?
http://www.anoka.k12.mn.us/education/page/download.php?fileinfo=NjA0LjExX1NleHVhbF9PcmllbnRhdGlvbl9DdXJyaWN1bHVtX1BvbGljeS5wZGY6Ojovd3d3Ni9zY2hvb2xzL21uL2Fub2thL2ltYWdlcy9kb2NtZ3IvMTUwNDlfZmlsZV80ODU4NV9tb2RfMTI2MDk5MTE5MC5wZGY=

New blog from Tony Jones:
http://blog.tonyj.net/2010/09/back-to-school-amidst-homophobia-and-bullying/#more-2256

Desire

Piercing eyes and porcelain skin,
His blushing lips hold a cherub’s kiss.
To taste, to want, to hold for an hour,
If it’s a sin, he’s worth the fire.

Not a Lover

You’re a concrete shadow, followin’ me around,
Your litany of manipulations, will no longer illicit sound,
You’re heroin, not a hero, a lovin’ fist to the face,
You’re an Angel of Death, without any grace.

You ever have one of those people in your life that make you think that they care by doing things for you, but you realize that in order to get them to show they care like that they have to neglect you and abuse you and make your life horrible God knows how many times first? Even talking to them is like sticking your big toe in a river that has a current so intense that that is all that is needed to pull you under... I am trying to think of how to describe this, but it is so intense that I'm blinded by what I am feeling.

GLBT Bullying

Goodreads Book Review - Faith For Beginners

Faith for Beginners: A Novel by Aaron Hamburger

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


At first this book went really slow and I had a hard time catching its rhythm, but as I got it I grew to really like it. I really got into it although I felt detached somewhat from the characters, but I thought that you would get to know them better. However, you didn't. To me it felt disconnected and like a skipping record. There wasn't any impacting change in the main characters. The ended left much to be desired. I actually thought there was to be some big revelation and that is why the chapters were dwindling down, but there wasn't. I don't know if the writing style was so different I missed something or if it just failed as a book. I will admit however that I was compelled enough to try to figure out what was going on that I read more than half of the book in one sitting. Instead of my usual mourning of the end of a book and the end of my relationship with the characters, I was just confused. I tried to sleep on it before writing this, due to my agitation, but it is fired up by writing this. I just feel like I missed the point of the book and if it is what I think it is, there was too much deviation for my tastes to make that point and not enough color. Oh, and the players in this, they were almost fleshed out to be real people, but they didn't make it over the line and the characters stayed just that, characters. You didn't feel for them. I actually felt more for the homos Jeremy screwed with like they were toys because they were fleshed out enough to get hooked without conflicting detail. You also gained more insight into their being due to others' treatment of them than from the interaction of the major players. The organization too. Giving a chapter or two to other characters like the last one, really? I'm so agitated that I bought this. It had such great reviews in my old book club and I need to buy a full priced selection to meet requirements. Never again with the book clubs! Sticking to Amazon.com. I wouldn't normally go on like this, but I'm really irritated.



View all my reviews

Goodreads Book Review - Briar Rose

Briar Rose by Jane Yolen

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Jane Yolen has been a favorite since childhood. She writes well and beautifully. She tackles concepts in a way that teens and young adults can understand. This book is a beautiful weaving of fairy tale and history that gives life to the true purpose of fairy tales while telling a compelling story about the Holocaust. A must read!



View all my reviews

Goodreads Book Review - The Men with the Pink Triangle

The Men with the Pink Triangle: The True Life-and-Death Story of Homosexuals in the Nazi Death Camps by Heinz Heger

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I love this book. I like personal accounts of major events both tragic and triumphant. I would have liked to have had it been longer considering how few of these particular accounts exist involving the Holocaust. A must read regardless of the writing quality. Good or bad. As I don't think many know about what homosexuals went through during this or the true origin of the pink triangle. It is an easy read and a quick book to make your way through. Very to the point.



View all my reviews

Old surveys, I love the embarassment they provide!

The Basics
Hair Color: A stylist once called it "Sand-spun," I'll stick with that.

Eye Color: Changes, more blue/gray/green, but sometimes brownish.

Height: 6' or somewhere in that area.

Profession: In the FUTURE I want to be an Environmental Horticulturist.

Relationship Status: Single...but I am ok with that. It's me time.

Religious Views: Open.

My Favorites
Favorite Color: Varies, depends on what for. Green then closely blue in general.

Favorite Car: One that works.

Favorite Movie: I have lots, I really like ones that can surprise or shock me.

Favorite Hobby: Gardening.

Favorite Song/Singer: Again, depends, I like everything at LEAST a little

Favorite Book/Author: Christopher Rice, only author I ever pre-ordered a book for.

Favorite School Subject: I hated school. College is ok though.

Favorite Vacation Destination: New Orleans, or Seattle.

Favorite Food: Anything I don't have to make and it's better if I don't have to buy it too. LOL

Favorite Restaurant: Red Stag Supperclub

Favorite Animal: Wolf

Favorite Store: Burlington Coat Factory. GREAT deals!

Favorite Celebrity : Angelina Jolie or Milla Jovavich.

Favorite Childhood Friend: My childhood is sketchy at best...

Favorite Childhood Memory: ...trauma makes it hard to remember that far back by willing it.

Favorite Baby Name: Connor Dannion, Drew Antonio, Faye Louise...I have a vault of my future babies' names...LOL...

Favorite Person In Your Life: I have no favs, but I cherish my Gemma

Favorite Facebook Application : (Lil) Green Patch....and the flower ones.

This or That
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla is more versatile...I like that about him... LOL

Big Mac or Whopper: Hmmm... Can I have a Big Whopper?

Coke or Pepsi : Coke.

Beer or Wine: Beer.

Coffee or Tea: Tea. Coffee if I go out for it.

Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ

Facebook or MySpace: Facebook.

Summer or Winter: Both, but I would prefer mild, coastal versions from mid-US.

Windows or Mac: Windows.

Cats or Dogs: Dogs.

Boxers or Briefs: Boxers.

Rain or Shine : Rainshine is the BEST!

Chips or Popcorn: Chips.

Salty or Sweet: Salty, but sometimes you have to have sweet...

Plane or Boat: I want to go on a cruise before I answer this, but planes are a bit cramped so I think I know where my vote is going...

Morning or Night: Night...mornings are evil!

Movie or Play: Oh, tough one... Depends.

Walk or Drive: How far am I going?

Money or Love: Always Love before money.

Breakfast or Dinner: Dinner...I hate mornings, remember?

Forgiveness or Revenge: Forgiveness always, but revenge for those I love if you hurt them.

Paint or Wallpaper: Paint

House or Apartment: House

Do You?
Have Any Pets: 2 lizards. Eonar and Ysera

Have Any Children: Want to someday.

Smoke: When I drink.

Drink: On occasion, less and less lately.

Exercise: I used too...less and less lately...

Spend Your Life On Facebook: If I have a internet connection I can "borrow."

Play On A Sports Team: Once, when I was younger, township baseball.

Belong To Any Organizations: Probably... LOL... OutFront MN seems to have me do a lot of work for them sometimes.

Love Your Job: Don't have a set one right now and I am moving so...

Like To Cook: Love to.

Play An Instrument: I can toot my own horn pretty well, other than that... Keep your damned minds out of the gutter.

Sing: In the shower or car or drunk at JJs.

Dance: I like to go out and do that, although, how well I do, IDK...

Speak Multiple Languages: A li'l Spanish.

Ice Skate: No

Swim: Yes

Paint: Not well.

Write: Well, but not often.

Ski: No

Juggle: No

Have You Ever
Stolen Anything: Yes

Been Drunk Before Noon: Yes

Had Sex In A Public Place: Yes

Got Caught Telling A Lie: Yes

Got A Speeding Ticket: Yes

Been Arrested: Almost

Littered: Yes

Fantasized About A Co-Worker: Yes

Cheated On A Test: Yes

Cheated In A Relationship: Never!

Failed A Class: Yes

Screened Your Phone Calls: Yes

Eaten Food Off The Floor: Yes

Stuck Gum Under A Desk: Yes

Wished You Were Someone Else: Yes

Cried During A Movie: Yes

Had A One Night Stand: Yes...man...I was a bad boy...

Other
Describe Yourself In One Word: Quixotic

Biggest Fear: Never having a family of my own.

Biggest Mistake: IDK...mistakes are learning experiences...so I don't really call them "mistakes" but if I had to choose one it would be stealing my mom's van and totaling it...LOL...

Your Proudest Accomplishment: 1999 Governor's Award: Acts of Kindness, my newspaper article, oh, and surviving a brain tumor...LOL...

#1 Priority In Your Life: Myself right now, but generally those I love is number one, right now they are a close second.

Dream Job: Running a botanical garden on the coast.

Causes You Believe In: Anything that furthers the human spirit and works towards the greater good. All should be seen and treated as equals in mind, body, and soul.

Special Talents: You'd have to be dating me to find out...LOL... Oh, I am good with words, although, I tend to occasionally make new ones up...

Where Are You Right Now: Sam and my place...

Where Would You Rather Be: With my family. Or in the future where things can be good again between Sammy and I.

Famous Person You Want To Meet: If I could have my pick? Even though he wouldn't look like Colin Farrell I would have to say Alexander the Great if I could go back in time. I want the real friggin' story.

Place To Visit Before You Die: The moon? I would be happy if I could make it out of the States before I croak.

Song Played At Your Funeral: I have a list of them actually. It sounds morbid, but I have a "death book" so I can work out my thoughts before I get a will and a living will done. After all I have been through, it is a good idea to have them.

Cannon Fodder: A Nightmare or Two

The bus is moving, but the bird is frozen in flight. Snow piles high and deep, quick and quiet now, as does the silence. No squeal of tires, no sound of my breath. Numb and noiseless. I go back in time and pull things forward at great cost. So many questions over an impossible feat. Sacrifice my left leg below the knee and left pinkie. Three years of my life also given to a bed, in a coma, in a sterile ICU. No breathing on my own. I wake to stubborn lover in thought and crush, I don't know them, but the intent is good. Shift and phase. Pleading, prying, trying to convince the unbelievers. My motives are shadowed by great doubt and in turn I begin to doubt them to. Homosexuals are not pedophiles. The act of violating a child makes me sick, I wretch. Accusations fly where birds do not and I fall from grace like the snow. Thick, the silence itself is thick. If I turn around Death will have me for that which I have stolen from Him. Wet, fetid, slimy breath, if breath can indeed be slimy, beats and rolls around the back of my neck, over my shoulders, down my chest. 5 seconds. Soft ticks sound off like dynamite blasts. Epic Fail. Cough. Awake.

Nightmares

Jay
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Jay What little bit of sleep I got last night was filled with nightmares. Blinding snow, accidents I couldn't prevent, massive sacrifices of self. Now I am left tired, sore, and sick. Blah!
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Kristen snow?
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Jay Yeah, in the summer. There is no sound and this blinding snow starts coming and everything turns gray and nothing moves except for me. It's like the world ends. Snow/winter can be a metaphor for death and also for atomic war. I guess that last one is kinda death related itself, eh? No sleep, don't judge!
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Catherine Hmm sounds the perfect description of the tower card...
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Tammy Probably had something to do with how much we talked about last night. I think we did talk about some of those things. Probably made you have nightmares.
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Jay
Tammy: I actually have nightmares a lot, and ironically enough from what Cat said, sometime seemingly prophetic. How are you today BTW? I never heard back from Stef or Jefferson.
Cat: Weird, I forget the tower, what does that mean again?... It is one of the Major Arcana is it not?See More
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Jay
Cat: Ha! I get it. It took me a second but I was describing a Tower situation. Ugh... I feel quite crappy. Sorry luv. It doesn't feel like tower stuff. Moving through time at the cost of leg and finger. Time freezing birds mid-flig...ht when the snow and silence falls thick and blinding. Doubt cast upon you and your intentions so strongly that you in turn doubt them too. The whole time alone and 5 seconds from Death, the stench of his fetid breath beating at your neck. They played out as whole stories too but I only see slide show flashes which is so weird for me. They were almost like fever dreams.See More
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Older Posts

Writing

Ok, so trying to get back on this train of dreams and take writing up hasn't eactly been too easy. I write well and all, but I have a lot to learn. I have this great story idea that I have been working on, but when I put it to paper it comes across as a bunch of pretty words and images, but not a real story, at least that is how I see it. I think a good way to put it as it is this stunning and attention grabbing skeleton, but a skeleton alone, without muscles and other soft tissues, doesn't move. Catch where I am going with this? So I have to do research. Now I need maps and pictures and nonfiction books...ugh. I just hope that what I am learning as I figure all of this out is me being on the right path!

Goodreads Book Review - Blind Fall

Blind Fall by Christopher Rice




I love this book, it really is good. It isn't so much a mystery of who did what, but about relationships between people and forgiveness and acceptance. As I say with all his books, he is an amazing writer in my opinion, read it at least once!



View all my reviews

Ground Zero Follow Up

Ha! Watch this, I was right! The place is to be a community center and NOT a mosque! I will admit to being somewhat happy at being right, but ultimately I am happy that someone stopped reacting to a pixel of a picture, but took the time to figure out what was going on and then broadcast it! However, I am not sure if my disappointment in people and their failure to see the whole picture for what it is worth outweighs this momentary joy. I still don't understand why this even became an issue. This is why hate crimes occur people, we are uneducated and intolerant as a nation.

Original post.

Tears

I don't know why, but sometimes I have glimmers of emotion and I have no idea if it is something that I am feeling right now or I didn't deal with an hour ago, a day ago, week, month, year, YEARS maybe??? So what the Hell does it all mean then and what the Hell are these feelings that tear me apart? I feel lonely one moment and tears build up only to feel anger. Am I abnormal for talking about my past or things that happened? Are they no longer relevant now that they are over with? Why does my ex telling me that he doesn't talk about me to anyone bother me so much? Maybe I feel unimportant. I would rather have him trash talk about me than not talking about me at all. Is that normal? Why do I feel so much undirected hate and anger? Maybe the fall of Hephaestus from the Heavens was the same event that Christians call the fall of Lucifer. Maybe the world will end in 2012. Maybe I will find direction in my life and I will no longer feel hopeless and useless. Maybe my heart and mind will get back on track. Maybe science will prove the existence of the human soul. Maybe ducks go to Heaven too. Maybe there is a Heaven. WTF does it really matter anyway? I don't feel human anymore. I used to LOVE life, and learning, and all those anti-drug, bullshit sentiments. Now I am too apathetic to even be bitter. In a perfect world I would be something, be someone, with a talent and gorgeous lover living somewhere beautiful and sunny like San Diego without the earthquakes and an oceanside view from my penthouse. Hell, in a perfect world my lover would probably be someone like Adam Lambert, Lance Bass, Jay Brannan, or...ok that's all I got right now, um...how about whichever of the hot gay guys appear on "So You Think You Can Dance"? Nothing is sexier than artistic talent. Crap, totally got distracted from my emotional banter by my Adam Lambert CD. Seriously, I listen to him and everything is better in the world. Piss, well, I was rather upset and I am sure that as soon as I step away from the A.L. I'll be back to being a Debbie Downer.

Birthday

My dream birthday would involve a professional costumer, a theatrical makeup artist, a nightclub, drag queens and Adam Lambert.

Goodreads Book Review - The Art of War

THE ART OF WAR by Sun Tzu

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


Not what I thought it would be. I really thought there would be some deeply reflective concepts, but maybe this has infiltrated pop culture more than I realized. A lot of it came across as common sense. It's referenced so much though that I am glad to have read it at least once.

View all my reviews >>

Ground Zero

People are so dumb! Don't they realize that a mosque at "Ground Zero" is the perfect message to send to other countries and terrorist groups that hate us? It would allow for prayer and worship for those close to people lost there and more importantly it would show that we are tolerant and do not judge all people of a certain faith and we do not assume that they are all the same! This country was founded by diverse people and those seeking religious freedom. Come on, chill out! From what I understand it isn't just a Muslim thing, but a prayer center for all. Is that correct? Not only that, but I think that since Sarah Palin "refudiates" this idea it should be endorsed by EVERYONE. That is personal opinion. I think she is one batty broad though. Anyway, say this to yourself out loud at tell me that it doesn't make a good statement: "Just because our country was attacked by terrorists that may have been Muslim does not mean that all Muslims are terrorists. Putting a place of faith, and prayer, and worship near a place where so many souls were wounded and many lives lost in one of this nation's greatest tragedies will be one more step towards the healing we still desperately need. With love, grace, tolerance, and understanding we will not be broken and as much as those that hurt the nation's body try they will not break its soul!" "Refudiate" that haters!

Dislike

The other night I realize that I misspoke to my family. The conversation was about people that we don't like. I said that there were a few people that I didn't like, but I realized afterward that I didn't dislike them so much as disliked some of their behaviors. This being said, I am about to go on record with a few of my thoughts on certain people's behavior and I WILL name names.

Andrew: I don't think you like me.

Dale: I dislike how much you drink. I dislike the attitude that you get when you drink. Alcohol is NO excuse to say mean and hurtful things. You're still responsibly for your thoughts and actions regardless. Don't get in my face and act like a know-it-all and don't try to get in the middle of everything. That is why I never took you serious enough to date.

Matt & Amanda: All the times that I was there for you... I dislike it when people say messed up shit behind other peoples backs, especially when it isn't true! You burned my rep with people that I didn't know, who were big enough people to wait and judge for themselves thankfully, and said things I would never do. Really Matt? You think I would try to sleep with you? Not cool. I want to say something mean, I really do, but I refuse to sink to the level of childish behavior. Amanda, I'm sorry but Chris would never spike someone's drink. He's not like that. You were irresponsible and got too lit and got sick. Your fault. I hate it people do not take responsibility for their OWN actions and they blame others.

Are our behaviors what make us who we are? I don't know, but if that is the case. I guess I dislike these people. But I have reasons why. I'm not going to say some of the things I want to in order to lash back, I won't do it, but I do want to.

A Christopher Rice Review (Not Mine)

There isn't a spoiler in this.

http://www.generationq.net/entertainment/the-moonlit-earth-shines-for-rice-120810.shtml

They do say that he has 3 novels when in fact he has 4 previous novels.

A Density of Souls
The Snow Garden
Light Before Day
Blind Fall
The Moonlit Earth

Doctors

I respect doctors. I really do, but ever since my incident in March I have been shy about going to them. I went after that, but only in an emergency situation when I got bit by a venomous insect in San Diego. However, with the pain in my butt and lower back I finally broke down. I switched my PCP from a metro location to a more rural one and scheduled an appointment for Monday. I don't know if there is much that can be done, if it is something like my tailbone, but my friends and family have convinced me that there could be something wrong elsewhere. They win, I lose, so I'll have to choke down the fear I have and just go for it. If not I am sure they will string me up from my whining without doing anything about it.

Goodreads Book Review - Phaedrus

Phaedrus by Plato

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I've read this several times before. I had to read it in college for a classic rhetoric course. I fell in love with the text. It is in my opinion, the most playful Plato has ever been and also contains some of the most beautiful rhetoric I have ever read to date.

View all my reviews >>

Goodreads Book Review - The Snow Garden

The Snow Garden by Christopher Rice

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This was my second time reading it (see "A Density of Souls" review). This is not as monumental as his first, but a great read still. I would say that I was a little disappointed that it lacked the depth of his first, but books cannot be systematically wonderful. The discoveries that you make along the way though are awesome, but if I was to suggest one of his works to get someone into his writing it would definitely be "A Density of Souls." I think what let me down was the ending, it didn't have the shock factor of his first. Definitely a book you should read at least once though.

View all my reviews >>

Goodreads Book Review - A Density of Souls

A Density of Souls by Christopher Rice

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I've read this book twice now, which is something I rarely do. It is a must read and still my favorite work of his. Although I have yet to read his newest that I picked up earlier this year at a book signing in San Diego. I'm actually reading through his previous works to savor his new release. 1st read: Dec 2000

I feel that I should really add more to this. This book has a main character who is gay, but in no means does it come of preachy in concern with that. This book is about the struggles between people that their differences cause. It also hits on the underlying lies of a social group and how conforming comes with a price. It is beautifully done and if I remember correctly he wrote it at 22. I was a teenager when it came out and it stirred the creativity in me in a way that I didn't feel until years later when I met Christopher Rice himself at a book signing. I remembered my love of writing. After reading this a second time I started working on a book which is something I have always wanted to do, but didn't because of the fear of rejection. Between his words, written and spoken, I have decided to write for myself. I just find his work, especially this first book, to be inspiring.

View all my reviews >>

I Broke My Butt

Last weekend 2/3 of my siblings, some of our friends, and I went to the beach for a BBQ. We were playing volleyball at one point in a sandpit. I jumped for the ball and thinking I was on soft, impact absorbing sand I went for it all out. I landed on my butt and lower back. I got the wind knocked out of me and saw stars. Now tell me. Whether it really was concrete or impacted sand, I don't care, who puts a hard surface under a volleyball pit? Does that not defeat the damned purpose? I am in SO much pain even today. I have been stealing muscle relaxants and painkillers from everyone I know just to make it through the day and catch as much sleep as I possibly can; which by the way isn't very much at all! Now, why haven't I gone to the doctor you might wonder? Well, I never got my insurance changed to the facility near me, I am still set to the metro. I don't have a car or the monetary means to drive down there now either. I went in and got a phone number today though from a friend at the hospital so that I can go in ASAP. I am sick of the pain in my pelvic bone and the spasms in my back. Not cool! Hopefully I can get this straightened out as soon as possible. Until then, will somebody rub my butt?

Game Informer's Question of the Month

If you could pick one game to make the case for video games as an art form, what game would you pick?

Many people forget that art itself has many forms. The written word (books,plays, etc), movement (dance), music, the visual, and so much more. This being said, where else can you find a combination of all those above but in a graphic animation? Cinematics in video games are often emotional and breath-taking, however I have one standby that I have used time and time again to touch the hearts and open the minds of non-believers. Yuna's sending dance from FFX. If you have forgotten how amazing this was I found a clip on YouTube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebNbPnsja50

Journal

07-04-10 11:13AM

I had this really weird dream last night. I have had it before, but I didn’t remember as much. It is always me going on a trip with a guy to someplace in Asia that is really warm and beautiful. I remember seeing a map and the name of the place was long, but most people call it only by the first half of the full name. I was excited to see Zebras and Giraffes. My brother drove me to the airport, but like a chauffeur; I was in the back seat for some weird reason. I was at a beautiful game reserve I think at one point as there were a ton of animals that I had never seen in person. There was something unusual about the plane too.

If it wasn’t for cough medicine I wouldn’t be able to sleep when I am this sick or deal with the dammed weather like I am. I can’t breath through my nose otherwise and this crap triggers my asthma. My bed sucks and so I wake up with aches and pains anyway, but you put the sore joints and stiff muscles on top of that from being sick and it compounds the suckiness of the whole things (I don’t think that “suckiness” is a really word, but it is now.) I don’t like the coughing or sore throat either, especially since there isn’t anything to cough up, most of the crap goes straight from my sinus to my stomach if it goes anywhere…yuck…

I need to bitch a little bit. This is frustrating. I also want to write my next chapter, but my head is all floaty or in pain so I start constructing things and then they drift away before I can tie them all together. It is a total bummer. It would also be nice if I got my edits back from the previous chapters…you know who you are.

Ugh, it isn’t even noon and the weather is oppressive.

I like Terry Poison. Look it up.

You Are Light

You Are Light.

You were just yourself and that was more than enough.

You were so kind, and without deserving it, you still give that kindness to me.

When I let you see those Dark and Twisted Things that I use to chase away the Light, you kept on shining. Never dim. Never ashamed. Never judging.

You tried to give me understanding and even tasted my Darkness. You did it as if I was natural and normal. You called my bluff without even knowing my tells.

Your innocence made the Darkness turn inward. It no longer kept others at bay, I felt it now. It distanced me from myself. I know now it is wrong. I knew shame.

All too late to draw you to me. I wasn’t good enough for you even if you didn’t see that. I’m still not, but I am changing. Yet, you didn’t try to change me for yourself.

In our brief moments, your honesty and naked existence saved me. You’ll never fully get it, but that is what gives you such Grace.

Too many do not see you, I haven’t even seen it all, but I know it is there. You are more than letters. You are Light and I am waiting for my eyes to adjust.

Journal

06-29-10 5:23PM

My ex-fiance has come up once again and considering this having been Pride Weekend, I have been confronted with stories and questions about him too much and I need to unload my thoughts on this and get it straightened out the best I can.

I love him and hate him. Most people feel one way or the other about him I have discovered. We brought out the worst, abusive, manipulative qualities in one another. It could be really, really bad. Yet, we could also bring out sweet, romantic, loving qualities too. The sad thing is, I don’t know if one of us was to blame more in this, but we used one another for sex and other things after we broke up even, and for a much longer time than one would think humanity would allow.

I find myself wanting to trash talk and hate him because it would be easier, but then I find myself being overwrought with intense guilt. The complications of what went on between us is sickening and I despise it. I want to tell him I am sorry, I want us to be able to forgive and in some ways totally forget one another. The pain a pettiness that can occur between us is disgusting and heartbreaking. I have to try and let it go the best I can.

My brother spotted him at pride with another guy and I actually hid. I don’t know when my life became a childish game, but it did as far as he is concerned. I wished that we had been more mature when we dated, that we could have dealt with things more appropriately, but we couldn’t. Now the shame of that has become overwhelming and keeps me from making the right decisions as far as he is concerned. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

So, you may never read this or know about it, but I am sorry. I can’t take back the bruises or hateful words that occurred between us. The holes in the walls and broken picture frames. Time and money lost.

The thing that I don’t understand is usually you have a hard time remembering the bad things and an easier time remembering the good. That’s what makes it so hard to avoid falling in that sand trap of an old relationship, but when it comes to us, I have a hard time remembering the good. Our first date, you getting down on your knee in the bathroom after that fight, and me returning the favor a year later in the rain… Those were nice. Nice, but they apparently weren’t enough.

Did we love each other even, or did we love to hate each other?

Then, way back, before I was even a legal drinking…there was You. The opposite, the guy that I knew was 100% my screw up. The greatest guy I ever knew and maybe the only one I ever loved. I messed things up on purpose. I was weak and the drugs meant more to me than my life at times. I wanted to save You from that, only later did I realize that if I had been smarter, You may have been able to save me if I wasn’t so blind. I am so happy for You having the life You do with such a beautiful, successful man. Seeing You in a better place actually brings me peace. Although the memories of the good times sting.

I’ve let a man tear me up emotionally because I wanted to be dedicated for once. Only I chose to be stubborn and stick it out in a bad situation, I ignored my instincts. I ended up having to get tested after that one. Dodged a bullet there.

I have NEVER been in sync with dating and I have never been good at being honest with someone. I never want them to see who I really am. I am so fearful that it will not be enough, that I am somehow inferior and unworthy of love and adoration.

This brings me to another thing that came up at pride. I accidentally made a side joke about not being able to pay a friend back if he took a look at my car since I couldn’t turn a trick for him since I cared too much for his boyfriend. I meant it to be funny and maybe if we weren’t drunk it would have gone over better. He took offense though and gave me this lecture about it being ok for someone to do something nice for me without having to pay them. I don’t know if he was mad because of how I saw myself or because he thought I saw him a certain way or both. I do know that it didn’t help that when I said something to his boyfriend about it and he talked to him that he cornered me in a way that, in my drunken state, I basically came back with and old habits comment. Then he went from made to a righteous intensity that was scary and sweet at the same time. I was cornered and I had to tell him the truth about my past. I mean details. It came out. It wouldn’t have if my judgments hadn’t been impaired I am sure, but it did. I’ve joked about it nonchalantly with some people. However, there are only three people who had ever seen how deep the pain was or heard any details and they had been there so to speak. Well, with that, I asked him to keep a secret and he said he would but not from his boyfriend. I can understand that, so I only had one choice and that was to tell this friend of years what was a part of me that nobody else was allowed to see. Either way, after a few tears, he was great about it.

So what am I saying here? To be so utilitarian about sex, so cavalier about relationships and to seem like I have such a big mouth without ever telling anyone the raw truth has left me isolated. I see it more and more everyday. I so badly want people to be close and yet I fear it so. When and why did this happen? Should I have cried and reconciled my moments of childhood sexual abuse more? Should I have recounted my tales of the physical trespasses that occurred against me in my teen years more? Maybe it was the drugs, or was it too late then and they were a tool for my separation?

How do you move forward without looking back when the past is licking at your heels?

That is the million dollar question.

Journal

06-29-10 4:33PM

We’ll start this now, but it will probably take me forever to finish writing down all the scattered thoughts in my head. This was a long weekend and I overindulged in too many things that left me weak enough to catch a virus that was running rampantly through my family. Yesterday I thought it was just the worst hangover I ever had, but it has continued on through today and I am incapable of cohesive thought so I am neglecting my book again. At least I am writing something to keep the gears inside my head oiled.

I managed to stick my foot in my mouth way too many times this weekend, well, I was doing good until the last day when I mixed liquors and drank the cheap shit. I don’t know why but it makes me spin off into this alternate dimension where more than just feeling sick occurs. No, I word things worse than normal and then let slip secrets about myself. Ugh. Plus, well, let’s just leave it at being a little tragic. I need to get out and blow steam off a little bit at a time so I don’t go off like a bomb I think.

I tried to plan dinner for tonight and my brain was so scattered that I bought the wrong stuff. Wrong buns, no raspberry chipotle sauce, forgot the bread crumbs. Luckily, I am honestly a MacGyver in the kitchen. At least I remembered my beloved Key Lime pie…LOL…

Man, I love the show “Can’t Get A Date.” If you haven’t ever seen it I would track it down. It is pretty entertaining and some of it hits home. I am not one of those who dates well. If I could think out and type all my responses or write them down I would be much, much better off. I don’t know why it is so much easier to formulate my thoughts that way, but it easy. Plus, it is hard to stutter and stammer in writing…LOL…

Ok, so I am thinking I should probably get to work on this dinner thing. I’ll tell you what it was supposed to be, although I will have to change it a bit. Venison burger and venison/pork sausage with veggie dip seasoning mix and garlic. That’s made into patties and grilled. Pepper jack cheese on top, a slice of tomato, a fried mix of cabbage, onion, and mushrooms on it, pickle slice, and a dab of raspberry chipotle. All on a ciabatta bun. Going to make some homemade fries and a cheesey, steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and carrot side dish. I’m hoping that someone thinks that sounds good…LOL…knowing my fam, they won’t dig it too much. :P

Journal

06-29-2010 12:46AM

I have been neglecting writing in most forms lately. I haven’t done too much with my book since I haven’t been getting my edits back and I am at a rough point in the plot. I haven’t even been working on my practice essays that I pound out quickly to exercise my mind.

I have spent so much time at a distance from people that I know feel like a total moron in social settings. I can’t think of the words I want to use and I get nervous and fumble over the ones I do remember and I stutter, stammer, and mispronounce. I have no idea what the Hell is up with me.

I freeze because I don’t want to be seen lacking or unintelligent or negatively and I end up in that position because of my paranoia.

I had all this crazy stuff that I wanted to talk about. My overindulgent weekend, my self-seclusion from society, the worsening of my headaches, being tired all the time, and my habit of sticking my foot in the mouth and telling bad jokes. However, I think that I am actually tired enough to sleep for once.

We’ll see.

I drift off to Neighbors From Hell, I love Tivo…LOL…

Night!

500 Words or Less Writing Exercise 3: Feelings.

500 Words or Less Writing Exercise 3: Feelings.

I have always wished that I was more capable of understanding and expressing my own feelings. The older I get the more confusing they are. I often wonder if it isn’t from all the work of avoiding and suppressing I have done. I didn’t want to be too sensitive as that is too “gay.” Crying was weak and even though I have learned in my adulthood that vulnerable is a more accurate word, I can’t find myself allowing my own “vulnerability.” Actually, I think that I may use the word vulnerable, but I switched its definition to the same as weak. Being sweet and romantic has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I try to hold it back as it always ends badly for me, but eventually the floodgates break and I end up sharing my softer side with the wrong guy and it reinforces my bitter, jaded view.

So what is left for me? Anger. That is it. I feel sad, I get mad. I get lonely, I get mad. I get mad, then I get really mad. It’s so much easier for me to push people away with anger than having to sort through what I am actually thinking and feeling. I brood and think in dark thoughts.

I often wonder if I am capable of experiencing emotions normally. I wonder if I am capable of experiencing true joy. I have felt moments of what I believe are genuine elation and excitement, however they have been fleeting and from some external source. So what then is true inner happiness and how they hell do you find it? Hobbies? Friends, family, relationships? A pet? Your job? I just can’t figure it out, I cannot wrap my brain around it. I keep hoping that one day I will have an epiphany and it will all make sense and I will be a whole new, lighthearted person.

500 Words or Less Writing Exercise 2: HIV and Me.

500 Words or Less Writing Exercise 2: HIV and Me.

I am of a generation who has taken medical advancements for granted. An age group that lacks the sexual responsibility instilled via the fear of a disease, a fear fueled by watching those you love die from it. Presently, I have dated serodiscordantly and I have been careful about it. There is one man in particular who I care for, a man I have known for such a short time, but a man who has filled my heart with so much inspiration and compassion that I did something I swore I never would do; I got a tattoo in his honor of an AIDS ribbon with the word “hope” on it.

I know now had I not had a taste of the fear that I imagine once ran rampant in the 80’s and 90’s I may still be uneducated, willful, and wanton in my actions. In the past, I dated a man years ago whom I trusted for all the wrong reasons. I was clean from drugs and even though I KNEW the signs, I believed he was too because he said so. When he said he was faithful, I believed him even though he left the bars without me in the arms of men who “were just friends,” even though I KNEW better. So why did I believe the lies if I knew so much? The same reason that I believed he had been tested and I had nothing to worry about when he told me. I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe I was safe.

I remember how badly it felt to jump through hoops to try to keep a man who could care less about me. I remember how horrible it felt when he broke up over the phone without so much as a reason as to why I wasn’t right for him. I remember how painful it felt to see him on a gay chat site within a week looking for a “big d***ed athletic man” to dominate him for the night. The worst, gut wrenching moment was a month after we were finished he called and asked me if I was “sitting down.”

I don’t know if I was working, but I know my mother and I were on a cigarette break at the hospital, chatting in the van. My phone rang and it was him. The conversation was so short, so to the point. He was positive. My world crashed. Shame, guilt, fear, helplessness, and regret flooded me. Those feelings were with me through years of testing. I know better, I know now how slim my chances of infection were, but the fear was still there.

Now I give to amfAR on a regular basis and I take extra precautions that I didn’t before, but I can’t help but wonder about how many people were like me, only not so lucky. In the end, I tested negative.

The Snow Garden - Christopher Rice Book Review

Gloria Bigelow Clip For a Laugh

Vlog 06-06-2010

500 Words or Less Writing Exercise 1: Description and Analysis of My Room.

500 Words or Less Writing Exercise 1: Description and Analysis of My Room.

My room is a cluttered and jumbled mess. I have clothes to hang-up, a bed I never make, too many TV shows taped then I will ever watch, a supply of books always three too many to have kept up on my reading, and mail that I never quite finish sorting and disposing of.

I know now, with all the time that I have had for reflection, that I do this to remain unfinished and so I do not have to assess myself and so I do not have to decide what to do with myself when I find it. Yet, even with these great and seemingly disorderly lengths at which I strive towards in order to dismantle myself to remain slightly unhinged for fear of finding myself completely undone, I have a nervous, bitter, storm that rumbles beneath my flesh. Listless and messy.

So, what does this means? My room serves as a double edged sword. It keeps me from realizing a life outside of these four walls that could be a disaster and in some odd way it is a projection of how I feel inside. So if the last part is true, what do some of the little habits I have and decorations that adorn it mean?

Three matchbooks in various states of use are pinned above my desk from random resorts and a club. Beside them resides a calendar depicting nature in all Her beauty as a stoic sentinel reminding me that days tick by just as the time on the clock resting, gathering dust, beneath it does. A clock that has an alarm, but has had no reason to cry out in the AM for me, for I have no place to be. I have plants that try their best to keep me company, more alive than I sometimes, and maybe more resilient than I am for all the neglect they are fed they survive, some even flourish. The Asian art pieces scattered on ledges and shelves reminding me that I once shared a home decorated with love with a man I thought I loved as much as what we made together. At least the walls have a warmth that makes anything before them pop, their hue a mix between a burnt orange and a sandy muck that come together as a heterogeneous terra cotta, almost as if I planned on making this a metaphorical womb of Mother Nature. Two versions of the Transformer Bumblebee sit atop a shelf in original packaging, an epitaph to my childhood. Finally, on my laptop and best friend, and image of “The Garden Of Earthly Delights” by Hieronymus Bosch to take place of the one I desire to own, frame, and suspend above my bed, but lack the funds to do so.

So what does that tell you of me?

My First Taste of Writing.

I wrote this about a decade or so ago and a few years after that it was published. I had a taste for writing before that, but afterward I was enthralled. However, something pushed me down and I lost faith in what I enjoyed. Whether it was because I was told that I wouldn't make money at it or it was a pipe dream and college was the only option, IDK. Either way, I dropped it and my other artistic expressions. Now I am trying to find that person again.