500 Words or Less Writing Exercise 3: Feelings.

500 Words or Less Writing Exercise 3: Feelings.

I have always wished that I was more capable of understanding and expressing my own feelings. The older I get the more confusing they are. I often wonder if it isn’t from all the work of avoiding and suppressing I have done. I didn’t want to be too sensitive as that is too “gay.” Crying was weak and even though I have learned in my adulthood that vulnerable is a more accurate word, I can’t find myself allowing my own “vulnerability.” Actually, I think that I may use the word vulnerable, but I switched its definition to the same as weak. Being sweet and romantic has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I try to hold it back as it always ends badly for me, but eventually the floodgates break and I end up sharing my softer side with the wrong guy and it reinforces my bitter, jaded view.

So what is left for me? Anger. That is it. I feel sad, I get mad. I get lonely, I get mad. I get mad, then I get really mad. It’s so much easier for me to push people away with anger than having to sort through what I am actually thinking and feeling. I brood and think in dark thoughts.

I often wonder if I am capable of experiencing emotions normally. I wonder if I am capable of experiencing true joy. I have felt moments of what I believe are genuine elation and excitement, however they have been fleeting and from some external source. So what then is true inner happiness and how they hell do you find it? Hobbies? Friends, family, relationships? A pet? Your job? I just can’t figure it out, I cannot wrap my brain around it. I keep hoping that one day I will have an epiphany and it will all make sense and I will be a whole new, lighthearted person.